I am officially OLD.

DAMNATIONS!!! I thought I was still young, hip and super trendy and it has come as a complete shock to realise in the last fortnight not only am I old, I am positively ancient.

Let me tell you about it, it came as a welcome call on a hormonal day. A young enigmatic and charming man from Virgin, telephoned to tell me what a *Valued* customer I am, and I could change my contract early. And it would be cheaper. AND I would get complete internet access from my phone.

Being an addicted twit and facebook tart, i thought OOOO! I can pretend I have real friends whilst children play in the park, so snapped up the offer. Less than 24 hours a gleaming new phone arrived. It was beautiful.

All was well, but I couldn't work a function on it, so looked on the website to see if it was an easily remedied problem. BUT I saw an even GLEAMIER flashier phone. So phoned them up and asked for it. The truth was, I didn't dare confess to DH (payer of bills) I couldn't actually work the first phone.

24 hours later, the gorgeous Mr UPS man swapped my phone and I clutched the new box like it was one of Willy Wonka's prized chocolates.

DAMN My fingers are too fat for the touch screen and it took 7 attempts to make a phone call as every time I put it to my ear the touch screen did something... It took me 2 hours to realise I was not, no not ever, going to get on with this phone.

Back on the phone, starting to feel a bit old. The young girl on the phone was SO sympathetic to my needs. I could feel her thoughts down the phone behind the cheery voice. It was "Poor old BATTY woman, she can't use a simple phone".

So now I am on my third phone. I think it might have a label on it somewhere. It says "Post this to any saps that can't use a young persons' phone".

I am old. I cannot use new technology anymore. Pass me the videos and the CD's. I give up....