How to be a Stepford Wife.

Just read a heartfelt plea from an old school chum on just how in the world you can become the most suburban of all wives. How to achieve that accolade, that pedestal, that inbuilt desire in us all. How to be the PERFECT Stepford Wife. If you don't know what one is, you are obviously living in a cave or about 14 years old. Either way, cease reading.

OK, here goes.

Step One, acquiring the trappings of a Stepfordonian lifestyle.

First of all you must sell all your worldly goods. Nothing you own right now will have the correct cache.
Having piled all your dosh in the bank and worked out your mortgage, immediately remove 1/3 of that amount and blow it on the biggest 4x4 you can. Preferably black. And don't think you can skimp on a nearly new model. No, that will not do. Brand spanking. Whilst making this purchase, you must factor in that this vehicle will be replaced in 6 months, so buy it on a hire purchase agreement. The law of Stepford requires your vehicles to be worth 1/2 the value of your home.

OK so you have the car. Now you need the house. So house hunting you go. You need the perfect location. It must be on a cul-de-sac, crescent at a push. It must be tree lined. Get your tape measure out, if so much as one tree trunk is one centimetre out of alignment then this is not the Location, location, Location for the perfect Stepford (ask @KirstieMAllford, she'll confirm). Every house must be identical, preferably a pale colour to match the interior you will be bland washing the inside with. It must have a garage and an outside tap for you to hook up your sprinkler in the summer time.

Interior design is simple. Anything quirky or interesting must be avoided. I suggest you go to the nearest show home (Barrets, Wimpy or if you're feeling flash, a Cala) and just rip off their designs.

SO now we're ready for Step 2 - The husband.

You will, without doubt, need the best divorce lawyer in the business.
The perfect Mr Stepford steps out of the door at 08:01 having breakfasted with his doting family and returns at precisely 17:13 hours ready for a nice sit down home cooked meal with his family. His work never hampers parents evening, sports day, nativities and the relentless other activities one is needed to attend. He must also be happy to chat and schmooze to everyone and has impeccable manners.
You will probably have to rent the husband from some lifestyle website as I don't think they actually exist on the open market.

Ready for Step 3? Living the life of a Stepford.

You must now rise at 05:00 to carefully trim the lawn with nail scissors and prune your bushes. This MUST never be done so that the neighbours can see. Cheating Stepfords have been known to buy astro-turf and fake bushes. They are not the hardcore brigade you aspire to.
By 7 you must have prepared breakfast for your tribe and coiffured yourself into submission. Do not under any circumstances touch your children as they will crumple your skirt, (sorry did I forget to tell you jeans are now banned in your life?) or even worse, wipe snot over your top.
At 07:59 you must open the door to allow your husband to leave, wave at your fellow housewives also opening their doors and make an outlandish display of over affection towards said husband.

The school run will be easy for you. Stepfords only drive. So don't worry about sensible shoes, heels only. Stepfords also park as close as they can to the school, disregarding any common sense or parking restrictions so you need not concern yourself about breaking an ankle.
Stepfords never speak to anyone at the school gate. Practise your pose now. Raise your chin, a little higher, that's it. Now stick your nostrils out like your can smell dog poo. That is your look. Hold it. Don't move. This also helps tone your facial muscles. Of course Stepfords do not have wrinkles!!

Coming soon in the bad housewivery blog - part 2 ... how to be the perfect Stepford, "How to host the perfect coffee morning"