How to Fake the Perfect Stepford coffee morning.

Come on! You want serious advice here! We can pretend that for a short while we can pull of the impression we are the perfect housewives.

It's all in the preparation. Oh, SOD that! In real life you will wake up having been awoken by all children through the night. You will have at least one set of pee soaked sheets to wash, last nights pots in the sink, dishwasher full and then you'll remember that you have invited the hardcore Stepford's round for coffee.

The kitchen is a doddle to fake, whip out all dishes from the washer and chuck all dirties in. Wait until children have thrown breakfast all over table and throw clean tablecloth over the top. If you need to occupy smalls, send them into the garden to pick flowers and pop them (the flowers, not children... never ever pot children)) in a jam jar on your kitchen table. Doesn't matter if they pick weeds, it's part of the plan! And it must be a jam jar so then you can say "Oh aren't the children dah'ling, popping them in this old pot they found." The truth that you don't actually own a vase need never be revealed.

You will totally impress your guests by offering a variety of different teas and coffees. When you've looked in your cupboards and found all bare and the only milk in the fridge is the best of breast, you will have to be creative. At this moment, announcing to your guests that you have started the lasted ionic, diotoxic, organically maintained and would they like to try your new drink is advised. A touch of luke warm water, a couple of leaves stolen from the weeds your children picked up earlier and a drop of jif lemon will have them gushing! (If you're creative, bottle it in your left over wine bottles from the night before and sell them it at a tenner a pop!)

Hate to tell you home baking is essential. It has to be done. But never fear. This can and should be totally faked the bad housewife way. You have 2 options, buy plain cakes the day before and let your smalls decorate them in a primitive manner. But for the brave faker, leave out ingredients and let the visiting smalls makes scones or cakes for your guests. This way, when they taste foul, you'll not be criticised, because A) You've done baking with their cretinous children and B) Anything their cretinous children have produced will be beyond exquisite!

And MOST importantly, have a VERY important lunch date you must get to (here is where you blatantly name drop, if in doubt use some celebrity you once spoke to on Twitter), and you usher them out of your door.

Job done. Coffee morning bad_housewife style done and dusted!